I AM A NARCISSIST AND THIS IS MY TRUTH...

 Hi guys! So this is something i wrote as if from a narcissists point of view and serves as a one sided summary of a relationship in their mind. I did it to help survivors of abuse understand their mind set and use it to see that it was never personal against them, they were just playing a role in the narcissists play..

I am a narcissist..

Or, to be more specific and factually accurate, I a. a person with strong narcissistic and other Cluster B personality traits.

You are my partner, my girlfriend, my husband, my child, my wife, my mistress, my flirtation, my mistake. We have been together for, in my opinion, too long, and you have worn out your use to me..

The "relationship" that the two of us have is extremely toxic and unhealthy for all involved. It is already faaar beyond the devalue and initial discard phase and has nowhere to go but further down.

You are no longer a viable "source" for me and my narcissistic needs. Your novelty has worn off and youre not nearly as entertaining and as much fun for me anymore.

To make matters worse, you have recently become even more frustrating and infuriating. You have, inexplicably, started sticking up for yourself and fighting back..

You no longer crave my approval as much as before, if at all, and I am having to work even harder to make you believe my lies and empty hollow threats.

You don't beg me to stay as much as before, and i know I am slowly starting to lose my grip on you.

My power over you and your world has been diminished, over time, over me, over you, over it all, overdue, over over and over.

I can begin to hear the hopelessness in your argument and I can see the flashes of hate and loathing in your eye. At first just once, but now more and fewer between.

Your value to me as a source of narcissistic "supply" has all but run out.

Remember that, like a mythical and revered vampire, I absolutely FEED off of you, your attention and responses to me - whether good or bad.

I need it. I must have it. It is my blood and my life force. I desire it. I deserve it. And I absolutely WILL have it.

In the beginning, lovely, loving, "love-bombing" stages, everything I do produces such a strong positive reaction out of you, which I find completely intoxicating. Your live quite literally is my drug.

Then, slowly, the high that I get from your "positive" responses begins to wear off, it loses its sparkle and becomes ugly, hollow and boring. Oh no!.. This is terrible!! What do I do now??

Then, glory of glories, we have our first blow out. Together we find ourselves right in the midst and middle of our very first heated and impassioned argument.

And it is GLORIOUS!!

Just like that I have found my new drug of choice - your anger, disbelief, confusion and profound frustration, all coupled with your intense, beautiful and pure, unadulterated rage! This is now my greatest desire.

I need it. I bask in its energy. I feed on it. I cannot live without it, and by extension, you.

So I start to bide my time and plan my attack.

Being the amazingly clever and crafty me that I am, I know that I cannot indulge in this new pleasure too much and too often, especially not right in the beginning, for if pain and heartache are all that I give you, then you will surely leave.

You will leave me, and I will have to start all of this again from scratch - how exhausting!!

No! I will not let you leave.

I need you to stay. I need you to love me enough to stay, and to get angry, and to shout, and to give me the "fuel" that I so rightly deserve.

I need you to believe that there is a reason to stay, that somewhere, deep down inside me is a hurt little bird with a broken wing that you can pick up and nurse back to health.

I need you to think that if you love me enough I will love you back, but I never will.

I need to convince you that, get this, you are the problem.. AND I DO!!!

I need you to try harder, to be better, to love more, to expect less, and to demand nothing.

So, I need you to stay, atleast for now, so I set about adopting and perfecting my new strategy of attack, and it works like a charm. I pull the strings and you, my humble dull little puppet, play your part perfectly.

I alternate between giving you small "crumbs" of love and attention, and then suddenly and for no reason giving you the cold shoulder and ignoring you for hours or sometimes even days on end.

To you my face has no expression, but when you turn your back to wipe the tears that you don't think I see, that is when I laugh and smile my sick winners smile.

I need to keep you so baffled and confused that mine is the only word you trust, and you begin to seek it out for everything.

I then use this as a tool against you when I complain about your nagginess and neediness and whining.

How delicious this all is!

I trap you in nonsensical conversations that have no rhyme or reason, and arguments that go nowhere but circles.

I victimize you, I yell at you, I berate you and push you.

I hold you close In the middle of the night and whisper in your ear how much I love you and how you have changed my life.

I tell you that I hate you and I can never lose you.

I scream at you in the store and call you a stupid *#&%^

I ridicule your friends and slap your family.

I keep you away from any and everything that you love so that it is only me and I am your world.

I dissappear and turn my phone off before reappearing and accusing you of hearing around and lieing to me about it.

I phone you with her lips around my d*$k. I call you a hoar and then hang up and go offline.

I like all of your pictures on Facebook, and then I like all of my exes pictures and hope you see.

I invite your enemies and block you at the same time.

I protect my phone at all times but demand constant and open access to yours.

My privacy is sacred but you have none.

I pry and snoop and make up and deceive.

Destroying you is now my only ambition and I do it effortlessly. I watch you slowly crumle and shake and I can barely contain my joy.

Then, just when i sense that you are so completely baffled by my eratic and childish behavior and no longer have any idea what is real and what is going on, that is when I know the time has eventually come for me to fully and finally unleash my full and fantastic fury.

I start a ridiculous fight about nothing in particular and push and push and push us until you finally explode and give me what I have been wanting and craving all along.

Your anger, rage, tears, shouting, frantic reasoning, desperation and tears is now my new and preferred "supply" and I finally have it.

You have given it to me. All of it. And I gobble it up like a starving child.

I needed you to need me, more than anything, more than ever, more than air, and you do. You need me so much that I can see it in your eyes.

I look deep into your soul when you are there, kneeling before me to try and barr my escape. I finally see the culmination of all my work and efforts. There, in your eyes..

Once we have reached this stage then the "breadcrumbing" of positive attention we get from them becomes more and more scarce, until it is basically nonexistant.

I now longer need to do anything to fuel your meltdown.

You are officially "trauma-bonded" to me. But i can no longer stand the sight of you.

Once again your supply has diminished and your reactions no longer satisfy.

You have exceeded your usefulness and overstayed your welcome.

At this point the mask is now completely off and you have nothing left to give me that I want. Only negativity and hatred and these no longer interest me.

You are now nothing but a dull and broken mirror in which to see myself, and i cannot stand it.

I can never trully look at myself realistically and honestly because all i see is my own ugliness, and this is something with which i can not cope. It is this internal and eternal ugliness that is the driving force behind me and my narcissistic tendencies in the first place.

I do all of what i do in an attempt to hide, ignore, run away from and escape this empty broken thing inside of me, bubbling just under the smooth and polished surface which i worked so hard to create, and still try so desperately to hold on to.

But it is impossible, this thing is alive and growing and it will not be ignored.

It is so huge and dark and gaping for me, inside of me, within me, behind me and all around me.

It is always growing and shouting and laughing and crying and still, always, and still demanding more. more. more!

It is always there, in my peripherals - crouching, lurking running, chasing, right behind me, with its outstretched hands just inches away from my shoulders..

I can feel its cold breath on the hairs of my neck when i wake up in the morning covered in a cold sweat of terror.

I can smell whiffs of its inky black stench when I breathe in your perfume and I want to gag.

I can hear its cold, sneering whispers on the autumn breeze on which the leaves dance and sway.

I can see the edges of its black, foreboding coat tails flapping in the dark winters night as it whips around the corner and just out of sight.

Everything I do, say, steal and f*&k is all just used only to serve as a distraction for me, to keep me to busy to ever think about this thing that i so dread but cannot escape.

I treat the people in my life as property and toys - only here to serve me and mine to do with as I please.

I use my partners as "noise makers" to try drown out its eternal screams but i cannot because it is always louder.

I try to lose it in the mist of a drug and drink filled haze but i cannot because it is always brighter.

I buy and steal pretty things to have and to pack in front of me in an attempt to slyly block it from view but i cannot because it is always larger.

I use your compliments and flatteries to try and placate it but i cannot because it only make it hungrier.

I try to drown it in your tears of rage and desperation but i cannot because it is always greater...

Now stop! You. Take a step back. Out of this cacophony of noise and movement and business and terror..

Do you hear that?..

The silence..

Its deafening!! Can't you hear it??

Bursting your eardrums, tearing your skin, blinding your vision - its terrible!! Its aweful.

It is quiet and silent and peaceful and happy and content and must be avoided at all costs.

Because here, in the stillness and tranquility and silence, there is nothing else but me.

With nothing here to look at or listen to or argue about or play with there is only me..

There is only me, deep, dark, empty, ugly, aweful, pitiful, terrible me.

Here in this dark ugly empty hateful scary place, and I am frightened and I want to leave.

You are my mirror and this is my truth.

Narcissists

 Narcissists.. Narcissists.. Narcissits..

What / Who / Why / How  are these people??? This in itself is an EXTREMEMLY loaded question, and absolutely not something that we can ever tackle in only one post, on day, or even one year. 

There are so many small details about these people and their unsettling behaviour that are easy to forget about, or to look over, yet each and every one of them are so extremely significant in their overall "game", that it is almost impossible to capture them all together in one place and in an understandable manner. 

Also, what makes it 100 times trickier, is the fact that there are also so many different types of naricissists, including covert, overt, malignant, vulnerable, master, lesser, sociopathic, etc., each of them slightly different in their own way, but yet still all based along the same lines and whos behaviours are built on the same basic foundations. They are all, however, classified as "Cluster B" personality type disorders. I would not recommend trying to do too much personal research on this CLuster B personality disorder as a whole, as it is hugely voluminous and can be extremely complicated and overwhelming, ending up being just too much to digest and absorb in any meaningful way whatsoever. 

If you find yourself dealing with a narcissist, whether you are involed in a romantic relationship with one of them, were raised by one (or two) of them, am working for / with one of them, or even just suspect that you may be friends with one of them, my advice would be to first make sure that they fit the basic requirements in order to be categorised as a "narcissist", or rather a person with mainly narcissistic traits. As soon as you have done the checklist with that person in mind, and they have met most, if not all of the necessary criteria, you atleast have a baseline on which to work from, and from there you can start to go a bit deeper into it and even try figure out which kind(s) they are, not that i think it is completely necessary for you to do so, if you dont perhaps, have the time, means, resources, etc to do so - for once you know that you are dealing with a narcissist, the specific category into which they fall is not always highly significant, unless, for whatever reason, you cannot escape this persons poisonous grasp, and still have to spend whatever amount of time with or around them in the forseeable future, in which case you would need to do as much research as possible in order to figure out which exact type you are dealing with and what the best coping strategies are for these specific types of people.

If, however, you are in the fortunate position of being able to fully and completely extract this person from your life, then the only advice to which you have to listen and adhere to right now, is: 

RUN! RUN THE FUCK AWAY AS FAST AND AS FAR AS YOU CAN. RUN FROM THIS PERSON AS IF THEY LITERALLY ARE CHASING YOU WITH A BUTCHER KNIFE, AND ARE TRYING TO KILL YOU - WHICH THEY ARE!! JUST RUN. RUN. RUN. RUN. RUN. RUN. RUN. RUN...

And, if you are sitting there with a smug and pittying smile on your face, and thinking (wrongly), that you have landed on this blog by accident and that you know no such evil persona in your life, then you are lying to yourself, or, more correctly, they are. We are all living with or dealing with a narcissist in some way or another, we just probably dont know it yet. And the sad thing is, once you finally know, it is already sadly too late, because the only time you (normally) learn this word and what it means, it means that you are already so far down the rabbit hole that you have started doing research on the topic and that is how you landed on this blog, and / or others like it, of which there are MILLIONS!!

They are insidious, evil, heartless, terrible people that are all around us every day, and most often, they are the ones of whom you will be the least suspicious. The sad / scary thing about them is that on first meeting, or in casual or social settings, they appear and come across as charming, confident, together, sparkling, caring and happy people, and that is the base of their entire "game", and that is how they catch us and fool everyone else at the same time.

Dont get me wrong though, just because someone displays one or two narcissistic traits, are not necessarily full blown narcissists!! Only people who display most, if not all of the narcissitic traits should be classified as such. In fact, most people will diplay several narcissistc traits in varying degrees, such as confidence, entitlement, arrogance, infidelity, neediness etc. Being either, or all of these few thing, does not make you a narcissist, for sure it might make youta toxic persona, or at the very least slightly annoying in big doses! You need to be very careful, clear minded, honest and realistic in doing your research and doing the checklist / diagnosis of this person in order to be completely sure before you get carried away, only later to figure out that yore actually on the wrong train!!

My own GasLighting Experience..

Listed here below are some personal examples of the most common ways and phrases my latest ex - Dale, used to use to "gaslight" me. These are all things he would say CONSTANTLY; they were always factually incorrect nonsense, and said to either get the upperhand in an argument before it had even started, to preempt an upcoming scheme, or simply just to somehow discredit me, my memory and my reality - thus making me unsure of myself and thereby forcing me to unwittingly become more dependent on him for reliable choices and information.

In my next few posts i will be referencing and addressing each of these examples, explain them in further detail, as well as try give you real world or actual examples or where, when and how these would each have been used!!

• "Do you agree?"
• "I know you dont care about X, but I do."
• "You've never worked a day in your life!"
• "You're so boring!"
• "You've really changed - when we just met you would have jumped on this idea!"
• "Look how you act!"
• "I would explain if you ever gave me a chance to speak"
• "I know we had an agreement but maybe ive changed my mind"
• "We didnt agree - you agreed - i never agreed!"
• "I'm so sorry that i did that / acted that way / overreacted like that / treated you so badly - i dont know why i do it. Its like i just see red and i have no control over my actions."
• "I'm not even going to respond to that."
• "I can see you just want to start a fight again"
• "I told you this would happen"
• "I told you this would happen if you X"
• "I am so tired of your lies / constant lieing!"
• "Why wont you just tell me where X is?? I know you know where it is so just tell me!"
• "Ah god you're crying again - just stop the tears ok noone believes this little show of yours!"
• "Youre so stupid!! How can you still not get this???"
• "This house is already so digusting, just look around! So why does it matter if i make more of a mess?"
• "No wonder your dad used to hit you!!"
• "No wonder your father left - look how you act!!"
• "Have you ever wondered why we arent having sex?!"
• " Stop nagging me!"
• "Sweep?? Do i look like the maid?!"
• "What do you mean i dont help - who was it who fixed your moms car last week / last month??"
• "What do you mean wheres the money?? You just have no idea what things cost!"
• "I never took / had / drew that much money - youre wrong!!"
• "What crap are you talking?!"
• "Why would i lie??"
• "You can never remember anything!"
• "Were not talking aabout the past here - were talking from here going forward."
• "Thats not what I said"
• "Thats not how that happened"
• "You know you're wrong!"
• "You know what I'm saying is true!"
• "Just because I'm dating a slut doesnt mean I want my daughter to be one.."
• "People like us just dont care about X / dont do X / always lie about X"
• "Youre just like me - we will both do anything in that moment just to win the fight!"
• "Yes youre paying for everything, but what about all those years when you were lieing on my neck and I was paying for everything??"
• "Call the hotel if you dont believe me - i booked a double room because I was planning on calling you to come join me, but then I thought about how fucked up you were and I decided against it"
• "I called all those prostitutes to get prices for if we ever wanted to book one again, but youre soooo boring lately that will probably never happen again!"
• "Everyone warned me against you when we got together"
• "Everyone warned me this would happen"
• "Youve been planning this all along, well done!!"
• "Youve just been using me!!"
• "You never loved me"
• "I'm not blaming you - I blame myself for listening to you."
• "Youre right, / you were right / XXX"
• "Were not talking about me now - were talking about you!"

As you continue to read on in my blog and watch my video channel on youtube, you will learn more about this term "gaslighting" and hopefully you will be able to get a clearer idea and understanding of what it is and what its purposes are. 

Basically, in a nutshell, it is phrases and techniques employed by Narcissists, Psycopaths, Sociopaths and all other "Type B" cluster personality disorders in an attempt to control and manipulate you by making you doubt yourself, making you seem crazy to yourself and others, making you doubt your own reality / perception / memory so that it is easier for them to feed you lies, to make you more manageable and gullible to their stories, to discredit you among the people around you, to put you on the backfoot and keep you there, and to incite a certain level of fear inside you when it comes to arguing ith them or voicing your own contradictory opinions. 

There are, in fact, many many many more reasons for doing this, and ways in which they achieve it, and i will be getting to as many of them as i possibly can, now and in the future - so keep reading and following ok!!

So thats all for me today, as always if you like what youve read here today (or even if you didnt!!) click on the follow button here below to subscribe to my blog so that you never miss a future post, and then drop me a comment to tell me what you thought of the post, or with any comments or questions you may have for me! Also please dont forget to follow the YouTube link to my You Tubechannel - RoxyOnline, where I have, am and will keep posting fun and exciting videos about this same topic, and on many other interesting and even downright provocative ones aswell - so dont miss out!!!

Be safe my lovelies,

Mwa***

How do i know that i might be dating a narcissist?..

So, technically you aren't supposed to try to "self analyse" anyone - yourself or anyone else - as that is meant to be a job left to the "professionals". But, sadly, getting someone diagnosed by a "professional" is not always possible due to the condition that you want diagnosed in the first place! One kind of person with whom this rings particularly true, is a narcissist. It doesn't matter what kind of narcissist you may be dealing with, and there are many, as there are still core features and traits which connect them all, and it is because of those features and traits that getting them a "proper" diagnosis is almost impossible. 

You see, the nature of Narcissism is the inner belief of :

"I'm perfect. There's nothing wrong with me, and you will never prove otherwise.".

 It is only once you can really let that soak in in its entirety, and fully understand and comprehend what that means and what it does to that persons psyche, that you will come to understand and accept what i said in the beginning to be true. It is this self perceived "perfection" that is the root of all their 'evil'*, which i will get to in more detail later in another post.

*Please note that this 'evil" i address is not to mean that they themselves are in any way evil, to the contrary most of them are actually very nice and charming people, which is exactly why we fell for them in the first place isn't it?! No, the evil that i address is very specifically targeted towards the Narcissist inside them, and all of the 'evil', mean, hurtful things that it makes them do. Honestly you can call it whatever you want if you aren't comfortable with that term, but i chose to use the word evil because it rings so true so much of the time, and it also helps me to distance myself from this person and to remind myself of the reason i left.

So then, if you think your partner may be a narcissist, but you're not sure, and you cant take them in to a professional to be sure.. what can you do?? Do you just continue to live in this crazy mist, always thinking there might be something wrong with one of you but you're no longer sure which one? NO!! You do what we've all done and you get sure!! And the most sure fire way to get sure is to get smart. You have got to read up on this topic and study it like you've never studied anything before in your life. You've gotta read blogs like this one, you've gotta read articles and posts and forums and comments, you've gotta watch videos about it, etc.

It is also extremely helpful and empowering to start a journal. Write down everything that 'just doesn't seem right' - write the dates, the times, the exact things they said, or how they reacted to things you said. Write down when they come, when they go, where they say they are, what times you phoned them and their phones were off, exactly how much money they had on them when they left the house, how much they drew, how much they swiped for, and how much they came home with, Write down what they say say spent money on and how much, who they said they were with, and what they said they were doing. The reason for this is that if you are dealing with a narcissist, and i hope to god you're not! But if you are, then you will still be stuck living in what i love to call "The Crazy Mist"! 

And only those of you who are in it will ever know what i am talking about. Its that mist that makes you think that something in your relationship inst 'quite right'. Its that mist that drove you to start looking around and wondering why other people weren't as deeply and constantly as you were. Its that mist that drove you to find this blog and other like it in the first place. Its what they have spent years cultivating and the reason why they've been getting away with their shenanigans for so long. Its what makes you forgetful, subservient, scared, confused, anxious and unsure of yourself in normal, every day situations. And it's exactly why keeping a journal and documenting absolutely everything that they say and do, and how you feel about it, can be such a powerful tool - so that the next time you are in an argument with this person, instead of having to rely on your own shaky memory, you will have all the facts in front of you, enabling you to be sure of yourself, and handle yourself, and the situation better! But it is also extremely important that the suspected narc never finds out about your extra curricular research or journaling, as this will trigger their deep seeded paranoia, and is very likely to throw them into a mother of a rage against you, so just be careful ok?..

Ok, so back to the topic at hand - you are thinking that you might have a narcissist on your hands, but youre still new to this, and as such, you have no real idea of how to tell and be sure. So before you launch into your many pronged research quest, first read these few points below and see if any or all of them match up..

1) So, I think pretty much the number one sign that you might be dealing with, or dating a narcissist (any type), is that you're confused a lot. You feel confused after a fight, when you try to go back and remember how it started, what was said, and exactly what happened to make it escalate so quickly and dramatically. You're confused about why you feel so anxious all the time around this person. Your'e confused and on edge because you never really know exactly what will set them off next. Basically confusion just becomes your general state of being. If that sounds about right, then keep reading, if not, then this might not be the problem in your relationship, but just keep reading anyway because some of the stuff might still apply! 

2) The second thing, that kind of ties in with the first thing, is that you just feel anxious ALL THE TIME!!! They have got you trained to expect a possible negative reaction from any small thing that might set them off one day, but not the next, and this is no accident either. Just like point 1, they have spent years getting you to this point of constant fear and angst, and will be dammed if they will let a good thing go to waste!!

3) You are unsure of yourself, meaning that you no longer trust yourself or your own judgement. For me, that even extended to mundane decisions that i had made every day of my life prior to meeting this person with no trouble at all. Then all of a sudden I find myself standing in the middle of the aisle at Checkers just staring at the different fabric softeners, and having no idea which one i normally buy. I knew that i couldn't get the most expensive one, because then I'd be accused of "needlessly wasting money again', and if I accidentally buy one of the hundreds that my moms allergic to then I'l never hear the end of it from her (but that's a different story!), etc etc.. 

4) You notice a constant and extremely one sided theme of double standards in your relationship with this person, and all seemingly somehow tilted extremely in their favor!! For instance:  

> I am allowed to go out without telling you where i am, who i'm with or what i'm doing, but you cant!

> I am allowed to spend vast amounts of money on whatever i want (no matter how tight the budget is, or whose money it even is!), but you cant!

> I can do or say what i want, to any person i want, about any topic i want to discuss with them, but I don't like you talking to other people, especially not about us!

> I don't have to cook or clean or help you in any way around the house (even though you work and I don't), but I expect the house to always be clean, groceries to always be bought, and dinner to always be delicious and on time!

 This goes hand in hand with their inflated ego and self-worth, which is almost always laughably unjustified, and can be quite hard to spot and to understand. That  is why, if you, at any time, try (foolishly) to address these issues, and bring to their attention the matter of the double standards in place, it will set them off in a narcissistic rage like you have never seen before!!

and 5) They simply do not care about you, your hobbies and interests, your dreams and goals, your feelings, or even the things that you want to talk about and what you have to say. This one is a particularly hard pill to swallow, and can be very damaging to you, your self worth, and your self esteem. This one often takes a while to come into play - after the love bombing stage has passed, and well into the devaluing stage (don't worry guys, I'll be addressing these different stages in future posts, so keep reading!!). Although, to someone in, or close to the relationship (if there is anyone left who is still allowed to be close to the relationship), it is normally not that hard to spot, for example:

> They only talk about themselves, their experiences, and their own hobbies or interests, etc., and can do so with great excitement and passion. Should you then, however, try to add some input into the conversation by voicing your opinions etc, you will either be steamrolled or simply just ignored.

> Whenever you try to discuss a topic that spark your interest instead of theirs, or if you try to share with them an experience from your day, or even just a funny anecdote that you heard recently; you will be met with severe disinterest and often even exaggerated and exasperated eye-rolling!

> Any time you express genuine emotions they will often become, either extremely uncomfortable, or extremely enraged.

There are obviously many more points i can list, and very very many examples of each, but I think that should be enough for now to compare to your suspected narcissist, which should give you a basic idea of whether or not you are on the right track! 

*At this stage it is also important to note that just because someone matches each of these descriptions, does not necessarily make them a bonafide narcissist - many of the narcissistic traits are actually shared between many of the Cluster B Personality Disorder Types. And also, someone can display absolutely none of these items and still be a narcissist. I know that this little curve ball is probably quite severely frustrating, and can even make this whole thing seem pointless, but don't let it get you down! Just stick at it and keep reading and learning as you are doing, and you will soon start to get a better idea of why I say this!

Lastly, if you like my topic and my writing style, please hit the like and subscribe buttons here below so that you never miss out on a future post! Also go check out my YouTube channel at XXX.com

Thanks for reading guys, hopefully i'll see you at my next post!! xxx