How do i know that i might be dating a narcissist?..

So, technically you aren't supposed to try to "self analyse" anyone - yourself or anyone else - as that is meant to be a job left to the "professionals". But, sadly, getting someone diagnosed by a "professional" is not always possible due to the condition that you want diagnosed in the first place! One kind of person with whom this rings particularly true, is a narcissist. It doesn't matter what kind of narcissist you may be dealing with, and there are many, as there are still core features and traits which connect them all, and it is because of those features and traits that getting them a "proper" diagnosis is almost impossible. 

You see, the nature of Narcissism is the inner belief of :

"I'm perfect. There's nothing wrong with me, and you will never prove otherwise.".

 It is only once you can really let that soak in in its entirety, and fully understand and comprehend what that means and what it does to that persons psyche, that you will come to understand and accept what i said in the beginning to be true. It is this self perceived "perfection" that is the root of all their 'evil'*, which i will get to in more detail later in another post.

*Please note that this 'evil" i address is not to mean that they themselves are in any way evil, to the contrary most of them are actually very nice and charming people, which is exactly why we fell for them in the first place isn't it?! No, the evil that i address is very specifically targeted towards the Narcissist inside them, and all of the 'evil', mean, hurtful things that it makes them do. Honestly you can call it whatever you want if you aren't comfortable with that term, but i chose to use the word evil because it rings so true so much of the time, and it also helps me to distance myself from this person and to remind myself of the reason i left.

So then, if you think your partner may be a narcissist, but you're not sure, and you cant take them in to a professional to be sure.. what can you do?? Do you just continue to live in this crazy mist, always thinking there might be something wrong with one of you but you're no longer sure which one? NO!! You do what we've all done and you get sure!! And the most sure fire way to get sure is to get smart. You have got to read up on this topic and study it like you've never studied anything before in your life. You've gotta read blogs like this one, you've gotta read articles and posts and forums and comments, you've gotta watch videos about it, etc.

It is also extremely helpful and empowering to start a journal. Write down everything that 'just doesn't seem right' - write the dates, the times, the exact things they said, or how they reacted to things you said. Write down when they come, when they go, where they say they are, what times you phoned them and their phones were off, exactly how much money they had on them when they left the house, how much they drew, how much they swiped for, and how much they came home with, Write down what they say say spent money on and how much, who they said they were with, and what they said they were doing. The reason for this is that if you are dealing with a narcissist, and i hope to god you're not! But if you are, then you will still be stuck living in what i love to call "The Crazy Mist"! 

And only those of you who are in it will ever know what i am talking about. Its that mist that makes you think that something in your relationship inst 'quite right'. Its that mist that drove you to start looking around and wondering why other people weren't as deeply and constantly as you were. Its that mist that drove you to find this blog and other like it in the first place. Its what they have spent years cultivating and the reason why they've been getting away with their shenanigans for so long. Its what makes you forgetful, subservient, scared, confused, anxious and unsure of yourself in normal, every day situations. And it's exactly why keeping a journal and documenting absolutely everything that they say and do, and how you feel about it, can be such a powerful tool - so that the next time you are in an argument with this person, instead of having to rely on your own shaky memory, you will have all the facts in front of you, enabling you to be sure of yourself, and handle yourself, and the situation better! But it is also extremely important that the suspected narc never finds out about your extra curricular research or journaling, as this will trigger their deep seeded paranoia, and is very likely to throw them into a mother of a rage against you, so just be careful ok?..

Ok, so back to the topic at hand - you are thinking that you might have a narcissist on your hands, but youre still new to this, and as such, you have no real idea of how to tell and be sure. So before you launch into your many pronged research quest, first read these few points below and see if any or all of them match up..

1) So, I think pretty much the number one sign that you might be dealing with, or dating a narcissist (any type), is that you're confused a lot. You feel confused after a fight, when you try to go back and remember how it started, what was said, and exactly what happened to make it escalate so quickly and dramatically. You're confused about why you feel so anxious all the time around this person. Your'e confused and on edge because you never really know exactly what will set them off next. Basically confusion just becomes your general state of being. If that sounds about right, then keep reading, if not, then this might not be the problem in your relationship, but just keep reading anyway because some of the stuff might still apply! 

2) The second thing, that kind of ties in with the first thing, is that you just feel anxious ALL THE TIME!!! They have got you trained to expect a possible negative reaction from any small thing that might set them off one day, but not the next, and this is no accident either. Just like point 1, they have spent years getting you to this point of constant fear and angst, and will be dammed if they will let a good thing go to waste!!

3) You are unsure of yourself, meaning that you no longer trust yourself or your own judgement. For me, that even extended to mundane decisions that i had made every day of my life prior to meeting this person with no trouble at all. Then all of a sudden I find myself standing in the middle of the aisle at Checkers just staring at the different fabric softeners, and having no idea which one i normally buy. I knew that i couldn't get the most expensive one, because then I'd be accused of "needlessly wasting money again', and if I accidentally buy one of the hundreds that my moms allergic to then I'l never hear the end of it from her (but that's a different story!), etc etc.. 

4) You notice a constant and extremely one sided theme of double standards in your relationship with this person, and all seemingly somehow tilted extremely in their favor!! For instance:  

> I am allowed to go out without telling you where i am, who i'm with or what i'm doing, but you cant!

> I am allowed to spend vast amounts of money on whatever i want (no matter how tight the budget is, or whose money it even is!), but you cant!

> I can do or say what i want, to any person i want, about any topic i want to discuss with them, but I don't like you talking to other people, especially not about us!

> I don't have to cook or clean or help you in any way around the house (even though you work and I don't), but I expect the house to always be clean, groceries to always be bought, and dinner to always be delicious and on time!

 This goes hand in hand with their inflated ego and self-worth, which is almost always laughably unjustified, and can be quite hard to spot and to understand. That  is why, if you, at any time, try (foolishly) to address these issues, and bring to their attention the matter of the double standards in place, it will set them off in a narcissistic rage like you have never seen before!!

and 5) They simply do not care about you, your hobbies and interests, your dreams and goals, your feelings, or even the things that you want to talk about and what you have to say. This one is a particularly hard pill to swallow, and can be very damaging to you, your self worth, and your self esteem. This one often takes a while to come into play - after the love bombing stage has passed, and well into the devaluing stage (don't worry guys, I'll be addressing these different stages in future posts, so keep reading!!). Although, to someone in, or close to the relationship (if there is anyone left who is still allowed to be close to the relationship), it is normally not that hard to spot, for example:

> They only talk about themselves, their experiences, and their own hobbies or interests, etc., and can do so with great excitement and passion. Should you then, however, try to add some input into the conversation by voicing your opinions etc, you will either be steamrolled or simply just ignored.

> Whenever you try to discuss a topic that spark your interest instead of theirs, or if you try to share with them an experience from your day, or even just a funny anecdote that you heard recently; you will be met with severe disinterest and often even exaggerated and exasperated eye-rolling!

> Any time you express genuine emotions they will often become, either extremely uncomfortable, or extremely enraged.

There are obviously many more points i can list, and very very many examples of each, but I think that should be enough for now to compare to your suspected narcissist, which should give you a basic idea of whether or not you are on the right track! 

*At this stage it is also important to note that just because someone matches each of these descriptions, does not necessarily make them a bonafide narcissist - many of the narcissistic traits are actually shared between many of the Cluster B Personality Disorder Types. And also, someone can display absolutely none of these items and still be a narcissist. I know that this little curve ball is probably quite severely frustrating, and can even make this whole thing seem pointless, but don't let it get you down! Just stick at it and keep reading and learning as you are doing, and you will soon start to get a better idea of why I say this!

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Thanks for reading guys, hopefully i'll see you at my next post!! xxx