Hi guys! So this is something i wrote as if from a narcissists point of view and serves as a one sided summary of a relationship in their mind. I did it to help survivors of abuse understand their mind set and use it to see that it was never personal against them, they were just playing a role in the narcissists play..
I am a narcissist..
Or, to be more specific and factually accurate, I a. a person with strong narcissistic and other Cluster B personality traits.
You are my partner, my girlfriend, my husband, my child, my wife, my mistress, my flirtation, my mistake. We have been together for, in my opinion, too long, and you have worn out your use to me..
The "relationship" that the two of us have is extremely toxic and unhealthy for all involved. It is already faaar beyond the devalue and initial discard phase and has nowhere to go but further down.
You are no longer a viable "source" for me and my narcissistic needs. Your novelty has worn off and youre not nearly as entertaining and as much fun for me anymore.
To make matters worse, you have recently become even more frustrating and infuriating. You have, inexplicably, started sticking up for yourself and fighting back..
You no longer crave my approval as much as before, if at all, and I am having to work even harder to make you believe my lies and empty hollow threats.
You don't beg me to stay as much as before, and i know I am slowly starting to lose my grip on you.
My power over you and your world has been diminished, over time, over me, over you, over it all, overdue, over over and over.
I can begin to hear the hopelessness in your argument and I can see the flashes of hate and loathing in your eye. At first just once, but now more and fewer between.
Your value to me as a source of narcissistic "supply" has all but run out.
Remember that, like a mythical and revered vampire, I absolutely FEED off of you, your attention and responses to me - whether good or bad.
I need it. I must have it. It is my blood and my life force. I desire it. I deserve it. And I absolutely WILL have it.
In the beginning, lovely, loving, "love-bombing" stages, everything I do produces such a strong positive reaction out of you, which I find completely intoxicating. Your live quite literally is my drug.
Then, slowly, the high that I get from your "positive" responses begins to wear off, it loses its sparkle and becomes ugly, hollow and boring. Oh no!.. This is terrible!! What do I do now??
Then, glory of glories, we have our first blow out. Together we find ourselves right in the midst and middle of our very first heated and impassioned argument.
Just like that I have found my new drug of choice - your anger, disbelief, confusion and profound frustration, all coupled with your intense, beautiful and pure, unadulterated rage! This is now my greatest desire.
I need it. I bask in its energy. I feed on it. I cannot live without it, and by extension, you.
So I start to bide my time and plan my attack.
Being the amazingly clever and crafty me that I am, I know that I cannot indulge in this new pleasure too much and too often, especially not right in the beginning, for if pain and heartache are all that I give you, then you will surely leave.
You will leave me, and I will have to start all of this again from scratch - how exhausting!!
No! I will not let you leave.
I need you to stay. I need you to love me enough to stay, and to get angry, and to shout, and to give me the "fuel" that I so rightly deserve.
I need you to believe that there is a reason to stay, that somewhere, deep down inside me is a hurt little bird with a broken wing that you can pick up and nurse back to health.
I need you to think that if you love me enough I will love you back, but I never will.
I need to convince you that, get this, you are the problem.. AND I DO!!!
I need you to try harder, to be better, to love more, to expect less, and to demand nothing.
So, I need you to stay, atleast for now, so I set about adopting and perfecting my new strategy of attack, and it works like a charm. I pull the strings and you, my humble dull little puppet, play your part perfectly.
I alternate between giving you small "crumbs" of love and attention, and then suddenly and for no reason giving you the cold shoulder and ignoring you for hours or sometimes even days on end.
To you my face has no expression, but when you turn your back to wipe the tears that you don't think I see, that is when I laugh and smile my sick winners smile.
I need to keep you so baffled and confused that mine is the only word you trust, and you begin to seek it out for everything.
I then use this as a tool against you when I complain about your nagginess and neediness and whining.
How delicious this all is!
I trap you in nonsensical conversations that have no rhyme or reason, and arguments that go nowhere but circles.
I victimize you, I yell at you, I berate you and push you.
I hold you close In the middle of the night and whisper in your ear how much I love you and how you have changed my life.
I tell you that I hate you and I can never lose you.
I scream at you in the store and call you a stupid *#&%^
I ridicule your friends and slap your family.
I keep you away from any and everything that you love so that it is only me and I am your world.
I dissappear and turn my phone off before reappearing and accusing you of hearing around and lieing to me about it.
I phone you with her lips around my d*$k. I call you a hoar and then hang up and go offline.
I like all of your pictures on Facebook, and then I like all of my exes pictures and hope you see.
I invite your enemies and block you at the same time.
I protect my phone at all times but demand constant and open access to yours.
My privacy is sacred but you have none.
I pry and snoop and make up and deceive.
Destroying you is now my only ambition and I do it effortlessly. I watch you slowly crumle and shake and I can barely contain my joy.
Then, just when i sense that you are so completely baffled by my eratic and childish behavior and no longer have any idea what is real and what is going on, that is when I know the time has eventually come for me to fully and finally unleash my full and fantastic fury.
I start a ridiculous fight about nothing in particular and push and push and push us until you finally explode and give me what I have been wanting and craving all along.
Your anger, rage, tears, shouting, frantic reasoning, desperation and tears is now my new and preferred "supply" and I finally have it.
You have given it to me. All of it. And I gobble it up like a starving child.
I needed you to need me, more than anything, more than ever, more than air, and you do. You need me so much that I can see it in your eyes.
I look deep into your soul when you are there, kneeling before me to try and barr my escape. I finally see the culmination of all my work and efforts. There, in your eyes..
Once we have reached this stage then the "breadcrumbing" of positive attention we get from them becomes more and more scarce, until it is basically nonexistant.
I now longer need to do anything to fuel your meltdown.
You are officially "trauma-bonded" to me. But i can no longer stand the sight of you.
Once again your supply has diminished and your reactions no longer satisfy.
You have exceeded your usefulness and overstayed your welcome.
At this point the mask is now completely off and you have nothing left to give me that I want. Only negativity and hatred and these no longer interest me.
You are now nothing but a dull and broken mirror in which to see myself, and i cannot stand it.
I can never trully look at myself realistically and honestly because all i see is my own ugliness, and this is something with which i can not cope. It is this internal and eternal ugliness that is the driving force behind me and my narcissistic tendencies in the first place.
I do all of what i do in an attempt to hide, ignore, run away from and escape this empty broken thing inside of me, bubbling just under the smooth and polished surface which i worked so hard to create, and still try so desperately to hold on to.
But it is impossible, this thing is alive and growing and it will not be ignored.
It is so huge and dark and gaping for me, inside of me, within me, behind me and all around me.
It is always growing and shouting and laughing and crying and still, always, and still demanding more. more. more!
It is always there, in my peripherals - crouching, lurking running, chasing, right behind me, with its outstretched hands just inches away from my shoulders..
I can feel its cold breath on the hairs of my neck when i wake up in the morning covered in a cold sweat of terror.
I can smell whiffs of its inky black stench when I breathe in your perfume and I want to gag.
I can hear its cold, sneering whispers on the autumn breeze on which the leaves dance and sway.
I can see the edges of its black, foreboding coat tails flapping in the dark winters night as it whips around the corner and just out of sight.
Everything I do, say, steal and f*&k is all just used only to serve as a distraction for me, to keep me to busy to ever think about this thing that i so dread but cannot escape.
I treat the people in my life as property and toys - only here to serve me and mine to do with as I please.
I use my partners as "noise makers" to try drown out its eternal screams but i cannot because it is always louder.
I try to lose it in the mist of a drug and drink filled haze but i cannot because it is always brighter.
I buy and steal pretty things to have and to pack in front of me in an attempt to slyly block it from view but i cannot because it is always larger.
I use your compliments and flatteries to try and placate it but i cannot because it only make it hungrier.
I try to drown it in your tears of rage and desperation but i cannot because it is always greater...
Now stop! You. Take a step back. Out of this cacophony of noise and movement and business and terror..
Its deafening!! Can't you hear it??
Bursting your eardrums, tearing your skin, blinding your vision - its terrible!! Its aweful.
It is quiet and silent and peaceful and happy and content and must be avoided at all costs.
Because here, in the stillness and tranquility and silence, there is nothing else but me.
With nothing here to look at or listen to or argue about or play with there is only me..
There is only me, deep, dark, empty, ugly, aweful, pitiful, terrible me.
Here in this dark ugly empty hateful scary place, and I am frightened and I want to leave.
You are my mirror and this is my truth.
