Why is "NO CONTACT" so important after a break up?..

 This post is not just usefull for people getting over a narcissist or particularly abusive relationship, but indeed it is timeless advice, fit for anyone with an "ex", which as i think we can all agree, is most of us!!

WHAT IS NO CONTACT?  Well, as the name would suggest, it is the term coined for the act of cutting off ALL means of contact between you and your ex, be it *Phonecalls, SMS's, Whatsapps, Social Media, Snap Chat, Email, Tik Tok, Insta, Twitter, Signal, Telegram, etc. Also, another important, and often overlooked avenue (whether intentional or not) is friends - if you have any mutual friends, family members or acquaintances, it is absolutely VITAL to inform them of your breakup, and of the fact that you are going "no-contact", which includes them not carrying stories about wither of you to the other one - NO MATTER WHAT!!

 WHY IS IT SO VITAL? As you go through the various stages of grief and healing, the last thing you need are reminders of what you left behind, and open doors to crawl through in moments of intense desperation. We all know that, in any given situation, or even just in day to day life, we all have our ups and downs.. Now think about how those  swings are affected by things such as grief, bad moods, personal trauma, or break ups - the downs are amplified, and the ups are minimised almost to extinction. What we have to be most careful of is the down times, which, at their lowest, can be accompanied by extreme depression, thoughts of suicide, or worse - the sudden and overwhelming urge to cut out losses and carterise our wounds by going back to the person who caused them in the first place, and often nothing that anyone else can do or say in that moment will dissuade us from this goal. This is why it is so important to preempt these moments, no matter how unlikely they may seem right now, trust me - theyre coming!! Knowing that they are looming on the horizon, however, is an essential and priceless piece of arsenal in our healing toolkit that we can put in place now to save us from certain heartbreak in the future.

HOW DO WE DO IT? In order to properly prepare yourself for going No-Contact you have to be BRUTAL. You need to effectively cut a person out of your life who, until recently, has been the very centre of your universe and your sole reason for being. The overwhelming desire is going to be to leave one or two avenues open, either by downplaying their importance / likeliness of possible contact , or even refusing to admit to yourself that they even exist at all. If you feel that this is something you can not yet face, which is completely understandable by the way, then it may be helpful to ask a trusted friend, councellor or colleugue to do it for you. 

WHAT TO INCLUDE: Places to focus on include all the ones mentioned above (See link*) as well as deleitng all your old chats, photos, saved videos, portraits, paintings, snaps, stories, tweets, posts, call records, email logs, etc between the two of you. This last part is an especially important step, as we tend to look back on these and romanticize them in moments of desperation. The only thing i would suggest you hang on to for the time being are any possible recordings of fights or arguments that you may have. Though for some of you this may sound like a strange thing to have in the first place, its existence is not so strange - if you are anything like me, and the millions of other victims of narcissistic abuse, then you would have felt compelled at some point to start recording these regular circular arguments, whether to capture how events actually unfolded to get a grasp on how it unraveled so quickly and dramatically, or possibly even to catch them saying certain things on tape so they can not recant / deny saying them later on. 

As you can clearly see, the reasons behind going No-Contact are many and varying, yet all are equally important, and not to be taken lightly. I can only hope for your sakes that you take this saged advice to heart and that it may help you avoid even more pain in the future. 

💔💔💔

I dont know what you are going through right now that landed you here on this age, but atleast if you found your way here it means you are on the right track and you want to get better, so i wish all the best of luck on your journey forward, and hoe to hear your tails of success one day in the not-too-far future xxx

HEALTHY BODY FOCUSED MIND

FOCUSED MIND & HEALTHY BODY

Hi guys, so you'll hopefully remember from my previous post the phrase: HEALTHY BODY FOCUSSED MIND right? Now in that post I explained very briefly what it was and what it mainly consisted of, but in this post im gonna go a little bit more in-depth. 

This is all stuff that has helped me a lot during my healing and recovery process, and that I am really excited to share today with all of you! This stuff is truly what helped me the absolute most after my breakup. Doing this stuff literally picked me up from the ashes, and I started feeling whole again within only a matter of days. 

If each of you can do even just one of these thigs for more than 15 minutes, ATLEAST ONCE A DAY, the benefits are literally endless!!!

I have broken them up into 2 categories - healthy body and a focused mind, and it is simply doing yoga, meditating, doing physical exercise / training / working out, speaking positivity into your life / speaking only positively and about good things, doing daily affirmations, watching motivational videos online not videos about narcissism in general – once you know enough about them to know that your ex is one, that’s enough – move on. If you get stuck on that topic for too long it becomes like a black hole and can suck you dry before you know it. Let's now go into each item in a bit more detail real quick... 

1) FOCUSED MIND:

• Meditate 

 Meditation can give you a sense of calm, peace and balance that can benefit both your emotional well-being and your overall health. During meditation, you focus your attention and eliminate the stream of jumbled thoughts that may be crowding your mind and causing stress. This process may result in enhanced physical and emotional well-being. And these benefits don't end when your meditation session ends. Meditation can help carry you more calmly through your day and may help you manage symptoms of certain medical conditions.

If you have never done this before then it is best to use guided meditations which are geared towards any number of topics, etc.: recovery, healing, confidence, clearing you mind, self-esteem, you are enough, life goals, etc.

• Positive Affirmations

Affirmations are positive statements that can help you to challenge and overcome self-sabotaging and negative thoughts. When you repeat them often, and believe in them, you can start to make positive changes in your thinking and feeling. They can leave you feeling happier, healthier, more confident, filled with energy, and can even mitigate the effects of stress.

Examples of Possible Positive Affirmations:

I know, accept and am true to myself.

I believe in, trust and have confidence in myself.

I eat well, exercise regularly and get plenty of rest to enjoy good health.

I learn from my mistakes.

I know I can accomplish anything I set my mind to.

I forgive myself for not being perfect because I know I'm human.

I create my life on a quantum level. ...

I have a healthy body, tranquil mind and a vibrant soul.

I am enough.

I don't entertain negativity in any shape or form. ...

I love the fact that so many people have faith in me.

• Speak Positivity Into Your Life:

Positive words, such as “peace” and “love,” can alter the expression of genes, strengthening areas in our frontal lobes and promoting the brain's cognitive functioning. They propel the motivational centers of the brain into action, according to the authors, and build resiliency.

The words that come out of our mouth can have a huge effect on us, and others. When you hear the words, “speak life”, what comes to mind? How about if I said speak life into your husband, children, to others, and into yourself; what does that mean?

When you speak life, you are speaking positivity, hope, and of love. What is the opposite of life… Death? In Proverbs 18:21 it says, “The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit.”

• Focus on Helping Others:

2) HEALTHY BODY

• Exercise:

We all have read so much about the benefits of exercise and know how it is beneficial for our physical and mental health. Depressed and anxious people are offered counseling to improve their mood and one of the suggestions is to add an exercise regimen in their schedule. The holistic view of treating anxiety and depression, takes into consideration the role of exercise and how it affects mood. People, who have endured grief, loss, trauma, neglect, and abuse, carry an emotional pain and this pain can be significantly reduced with exercise 

Physical exercise helps increase self-esteem, mental and physical strength, improves mood, reduces stress and facilitates better physical health. The brain neurotransmitters play an integral role in promoting better healing of the emotional pain. With the daily practice of healing emotional pain through exercise, you will become more self-aware and be in touch with your feelings. Being aware is the first step in resolving problems.  

The Healthy Body Focused Mind solution can bring about a transformation in you and you will become more optimistic, as opposed to, being cynical and paranoid. You are the only person who can heal yourself. Once you make this as an integral part of your routine, you will begin to use it when you feel depressed, anxious, confused, indecisive and weak.

• Yoga:

While yoga can be a physically intense activity, the poses and asanas of a practice can bring your brain into a deeply focused, neutral state. This helps you process anything that is bothering you subconsciously, but that you’ve been unable or unwilling to access directly.

You’re in yoga class: your breath and concentration have helped you relax and calm your mind, wiping away any of the immediate stress and worry. Your present preoccupations are swept away and the superficial level of your brain is now on the back burner, focused on the physical challenges of the practice.

Your deeper mind now has the opportunity to process issues that you’ve been holding below the surface of your immediate consciousness, whether that is stress or anger or intense sadness—or maybe a confusing mix of many things.

• Live Healthier:

• EAT MORE FRUITS AND VEGETABLES
• SNACK LESS ON CHOCOLATE AND CANDIES
• EAT LESS FATTY AND FRIED FOOD
• OPT RATHER FOR NATURAL FOOD FROM HOME
• DRINK MORE WATER
• GET ENOUGH SLEEP
• DECREASE SCREEN TIME AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE
• TRY CUT DOWN SMOKING, DRINKING, VAPING, RECREATIONAL DRUG USAGE, ETC
• BE MORE CONSISTENTLY ACTIVE
• LAUGH MORE
• SMILE MORE

Once you start making a conscience decision to treat your mind and body better than you have been before, the decision to start living healthier and treating your body better should almost come naturally with that. If it doesnt, dont worry - everyone is different and we all evolve in our own way and at our own pace. 

 My Beginners Yoga Workout Video

Hi guys, so one of my major philosophies in getting over a relationship, a marriage, loss of a loved one, a job, a beloved family pet, well really the loss of anything, is EXCERCISE!!!

Keeping a healthy body and focused mind are the key tools in getting over a traumatic experience, and learning to take control of your life by taking control of your time, your body, and your mind. This is especially usefull when healing from a particularly damaging experience like dating / loving a narcissist, and all of the verbal, emotional and physical abuse that goes along with it.

I can happily and confidently say that doing these simple (simple to do but not easy to follow) things atleast once a day was my absolute saviour - when I was at my worst and darkest hour these excercises brought me back to life!!

So my philosophy for this is called: "HEALTHY BODY FOCUSED MIND" and im gonna go ahead and break it down for you guys here quickly so you can get a basic idea of what im talking about.

First I'l break it up into sections, and then give examples of each..

HEALTHY BODY

• Do Excercise - Yoga, Pilates, Swimming, Walking, Cycling, Aerobics, etc
• Eat Healthy(er)
• Treat your body better - get enough sleep, eat enough fruit & veg, get fresh air, drink water, etc

FOCUSED MIND

• Do Meditation
• Incorporate Positive Affirmations into your daily routine
• Watch Motivational Videos and Speakers (NO MORE NARC VIDEOS!!)
• Practice Mindfulness
• Practice "Active Refocussing" - this is just a name I gave to a very useful technique I doscovered, which is that every time you find yourself thinking about your ex / feeling sad about your ex / wanting to phone or text your ex / see something that reminds you of your ex / are just feeling sad about your lost relationship, etc, then you actively have to reshift your focus onto something else that is positive and motivating, for example, what i did was everytime I caught my own mind drifting back to him, I would stop my thought cycle, tell myself its ok to miss him but im done being sad, and then i would really concentrate really hard on doing my affirmations. In the beginning until I had them memorised, I actually just wrote myself out a little list of affirmations to carry around with me and from that list i could pick and choose which specific ones were best suited to that moment of that day, and then do those until i started believeing them and began to feel better!! It may sound silly to you but I can guarantee you it is completely successful IF YOU DO IT CONSTANTLY AND CONSISTENTLY!!

So please guys, put your comfiest workout clothes on, clear 30 minutes for some "ME-TIME", follow the link at the top of this page to my workout video, and have a blast!! If you dont feel better after this then let me know and I will personally apologise to you live and on air!!

Ok guys thats it from me today, take care Y'all xxx

Narcissists

 Narcissists.. Narcissists.. Narcissits..

What / Who / Why / How  are these people??? This in itself is an EXTREMEMLY loaded question, and absolutely not something that we can ever tackle in only one post, on day, or even one year. 

There are so many small details about these people and their unsettling behaviour that are easy to forget about, or to look over, yet each and every one of them are so extremely significant in their overall "game", that it is almost impossible to capture them all together in one place and in an understandable manner. 

Also, what makes it 100 times trickier, is the fact that there are also so many different types of naricissists, including covert, overt, malignant, vulnerable, master, lesser, sociopathic, etc., each of them slightly different in their own way, but yet still all based along the same lines and whos behaviours are built on the same basic foundations. They are all, however, classified as "Cluster B" personality type disorders. I would not recommend trying to do too much personal research on this CLuster B personality disorder as a whole, as it is hugely voluminous and can be extremely complicated and overwhelming, ending up being just too much to digest and absorb in any meaningful way whatsoever. 

If you find yourself dealing with a narcissist, whether you are involed in a romantic relationship with one of them, were raised by one (or two) of them, am working for / with one of them, or even just suspect that you may be friends with one of them, my advice would be to first make sure that they fit the basic requirements in order to be categorised as a "narcissist", or rather a person with mainly narcissistic traits. As soon as you have done the checklist with that person in mind, and they have met most, if not all of the necessary criteria, you atleast have a baseline on which to work from, and from there you can start to go a bit deeper into it and even try figure out which kind(s) they are, not that i think it is completely necessary for you to do so, if you dont perhaps, have the time, means, resources, etc to do so - for once you know that you are dealing with a narcissist, the specific category into which they fall is not always highly significant, unless, for whatever reason, you cannot escape this persons poisonous grasp, and still have to spend whatever amount of time with or around them in the forseeable future, in which case you would need to do as much research as possible in order to figure out which exact type you are dealing with and what the best coping strategies are for these specific types of people.

If, however, you are in the fortunate position of being able to fully and completely extract this person from your life, then the only advice to which you have to listen and adhere to right now, is: 

RUN! RUN THE FUCK AWAY AS FAST AND AS FAR AS YOU CAN. RUN FROM THIS PERSON AS IF THEY LITERALLY ARE CHASING YOU WITH A BUTCHER KNIFE, AND ARE TRYING TO KILL YOU - WHICH THEY ARE!! JUST RUN. RUN. RUN. RUN. RUN. RUN. RUN. RUN...

And, if you are sitting there with a smug and pittying smile on your face, and thinking (wrongly), that you have landed on this blog by accident and that you know no such evil persona in your life, then you are lying to yourself, or, more correctly, they are. We are all living with or dealing with a narcissist in some way or another, we just probably dont know it yet. And the sad thing is, once you finally know, it is already sadly too late, because the only time you (normally) learn this word and what it means, it means that you are already so far down the rabbit hole that you have started doing research on the topic and that is how you landed on this blog, and / or others like it, of which there are MILLIONS!!

They are insidious, evil, heartless, terrible people that are all around us every day, and most often, they are the ones of whom you will be the least suspicious. The sad / scary thing about them is that on first meeting, or in casual or social settings, they appear and come across as charming, confident, together, sparkling, caring and happy people, and that is the base of their entire "game", and that is how they catch us and fool everyone else at the same time.

Dont get me wrong though, just because someone displays one or two narcissistic traits, are not necessarily full blown narcissists!! Only people who display most, if not all of the narcissitic traits should be classified as such. In fact, most people will diplay several narcissistc traits in varying degrees, such as confidence, entitlement, arrogance, infidelity, neediness etc. Being either, or all of these few thing, does not make you a narcissist, for sure it might make youta toxic persona, or at the very least slightly annoying in big doses! You need to be very careful, clear minded, honest and realistic in doing your research and doing the checklist / diagnosis of this person in order to be completely sure before you get carried away, only later to figure out that yore actually on the wrong train!!