Why is "NO CONTACT" so important after a break up?..

 This post is not just usefull for people getting over a narcissist or particularly abusive relationship, but indeed it is timeless advice, fit for anyone with an "ex", which as i think we can all agree, is most of us!!

WHAT IS NO CONTACT?  Well, as the name would suggest, it is the term coined for the act of cutting off ALL means of contact between you and your ex, be it *Phonecalls, SMS's, Whatsapps, Social Media, Snap Chat, Email, Tik Tok, Insta, Twitter, Signal, Telegram, etc. Also, another important, and often overlooked avenue (whether intentional or not) is friends - if you have any mutual friends, family members or acquaintances, it is absolutely VITAL to inform them of your breakup, and of the fact that you are going "no-contact", which includes them not carrying stories about wither of you to the other one - NO MATTER WHAT!!

 WHY IS IT SO VITAL? As you go through the various stages of grief and healing, the last thing you need are reminders of what you left behind, and open doors to crawl through in moments of intense desperation. We all know that, in any given situation, or even just in day to day life, we all have our ups and downs.. Now think about how those  swings are affected by things such as grief, bad moods, personal trauma, or break ups - the downs are amplified, and the ups are minimised almost to extinction. What we have to be most careful of is the down times, which, at their lowest, can be accompanied by extreme depression, thoughts of suicide, or worse - the sudden and overwhelming urge to cut out losses and carterise our wounds by going back to the person who caused them in the first place, and often nothing that anyone else can do or say in that moment will dissuade us from this goal. This is why it is so important to preempt these moments, no matter how unlikely they may seem right now, trust me - theyre coming!! Knowing that they are looming on the horizon, however, is an essential and priceless piece of arsenal in our healing toolkit that we can put in place now to save us from certain heartbreak in the future.

HOW DO WE DO IT? In order to properly prepare yourself for going No-Contact you have to be BRUTAL. You need to effectively cut a person out of your life who, until recently, has been the very centre of your universe and your sole reason for being. The overwhelming desire is going to be to leave one or two avenues open, either by downplaying their importance / likeliness of possible contact , or even refusing to admit to yourself that they even exist at all. If you feel that this is something you can not yet face, which is completely understandable by the way, then it may be helpful to ask a trusted friend, councellor or colleugue to do it for you. 

WHAT TO INCLUDE: Places to focus on include all the ones mentioned above (See link*) as well as deleitng all your old chats, photos, saved videos, portraits, paintings, snaps, stories, tweets, posts, call records, email logs, etc between the two of you. This last part is an especially important step, as we tend to look back on these and romanticize them in moments of desperation. The only thing i would suggest you hang on to for the time being are any possible recordings of fights or arguments that you may have. Though for some of you this may sound like a strange thing to have in the first place, its existence is not so strange - if you are anything like me, and the millions of other victims of narcissistic abuse, then you would have felt compelled at some point to start recording these regular circular arguments, whether to capture how events actually unfolded to get a grasp on how it unraveled so quickly and dramatically, or possibly even to catch them saying certain things on tape so they can not recant / deny saying them later on. 

As you can clearly see, the reasons behind going No-Contact are many and varying, yet all are equally important, and not to be taken lightly. I can only hope for your sakes that you take this saged advice to heart and that it may help you avoid even more pain in the future. 

💔💔💔

I dont know what you are going through right now that landed you here on this age, but atleast if you found your way here it means you are on the right track and you want to get better, so i wish all the best of luck on your journey forward, and hoe to hear your tails of success one day in the not-too-far future xxx

Narcissists

 Narcissists.. Narcissists.. Narcissits..

What / Who / Why / How  are these people??? This in itself is an EXTREMEMLY loaded question, and absolutely not something that we can ever tackle in only one post, on day, or even one year. 

There are so many small details about these people and their unsettling behaviour that are easy to forget about, or to look over, yet each and every one of them are so extremely significant in their overall "game", that it is almost impossible to capture them all together in one place and in an understandable manner. 

Also, what makes it 100 times trickier, is the fact that there are also so many different types of naricissists, including covert, overt, malignant, vulnerable, master, lesser, sociopathic, etc., each of them slightly different in their own way, but yet still all based along the same lines and whos behaviours are built on the same basic foundations. They are all, however, classified as "Cluster B" personality type disorders. I would not recommend trying to do too much personal research on this CLuster B personality disorder as a whole, as it is hugely voluminous and can be extremely complicated and overwhelming, ending up being just too much to digest and absorb in any meaningful way whatsoever. 

If you find yourself dealing with a narcissist, whether you are involed in a romantic relationship with one of them, were raised by one (or two) of them, am working for / with one of them, or even just suspect that you may be friends with one of them, my advice would be to first make sure that they fit the basic requirements in order to be categorised as a "narcissist", or rather a person with mainly narcissistic traits. As soon as you have done the checklist with that person in mind, and they have met most, if not all of the necessary criteria, you atleast have a baseline on which to work from, and from there you can start to go a bit deeper into it and even try figure out which kind(s) they are, not that i think it is completely necessary for you to do so, if you dont perhaps, have the time, means, resources, etc to do so - for once you know that you are dealing with a narcissist, the specific category into which they fall is not always highly significant, unless, for whatever reason, you cannot escape this persons poisonous grasp, and still have to spend whatever amount of time with or around them in the forseeable future, in which case you would need to do as much research as possible in order to figure out which exact type you are dealing with and what the best coping strategies are for these specific types of people.

If, however, you are in the fortunate position of being able to fully and completely extract this person from your life, then the only advice to which you have to listen and adhere to right now, is: 

RUN! RUN THE FUCK AWAY AS FAST AND AS FAR AS YOU CAN. RUN FROM THIS PERSON AS IF THEY LITERALLY ARE CHASING YOU WITH A BUTCHER KNIFE, AND ARE TRYING TO KILL YOU - WHICH THEY ARE!! JUST RUN. RUN. RUN. RUN. RUN. RUN. RUN. RUN...

And, if you are sitting there with a smug and pittying smile on your face, and thinking (wrongly), that you have landed on this blog by accident and that you know no such evil persona in your life, then you are lying to yourself, or, more correctly, they are. We are all living with or dealing with a narcissist in some way or another, we just probably dont know it yet. And the sad thing is, once you finally know, it is already sadly too late, because the only time you (normally) learn this word and what it means, it means that you are already so far down the rabbit hole that you have started doing research on the topic and that is how you landed on this blog, and / or others like it, of which there are MILLIONS!!

They are insidious, evil, heartless, terrible people that are all around us every day, and most often, they are the ones of whom you will be the least suspicious. The sad / scary thing about them is that on first meeting, or in casual or social settings, they appear and come across as charming, confident, together, sparkling, caring and happy people, and that is the base of their entire "game", and that is how they catch us and fool everyone else at the same time.

Dont get me wrong though, just because someone displays one or two narcissistic traits, are not necessarily full blown narcissists!! Only people who display most, if not all of the narcissitic traits should be classified as such. In fact, most people will diplay several narcissistc traits in varying degrees, such as confidence, entitlement, arrogance, infidelity, neediness etc. Being either, or all of these few thing, does not make you a narcissist, for sure it might make youta toxic persona, or at the very least slightly annoying in big doses! You need to be very careful, clear minded, honest and realistic in doing your research and doing the checklist / diagnosis of this person in order to be completely sure before you get carried away, only later to figure out that yore actually on the wrong train!!