My own GasLighting Experience..

Listed here below are some personal examples of the most common ways and phrases my latest ex - Dale, used to use to "gaslight" me. These are all things he would say CONSTANTLY; they were always factually incorrect nonsense, and said to either get the upperhand in an argument before it had even started, to preempt an upcoming scheme, or simply just to somehow discredit me, my memory and my reality - thus making me unsure of myself and thereby forcing me to unwittingly become more dependent on him for reliable choices and information.

In my next few posts i will be referencing and addressing each of these examples, explain them in further detail, as well as try give you real world or actual examples or where, when and how these would each have been used!!

• "Do you agree?"
• "I know you dont care about X, but I do."
• "You've never worked a day in your life!"
• "You're so boring!"
• "You've really changed - when we just met you would have jumped on this idea!"
• "Look how you act!"
• "I would explain if you ever gave me a chance to speak"
• "I know we had an agreement but maybe ive changed my mind"
• "We didnt agree - you agreed - i never agreed!"
• "I'm so sorry that i did that / acted that way / overreacted like that / treated you so badly - i dont know why i do it. Its like i just see red and i have no control over my actions."
• "I'm not even going to respond to that."
• "I can see you just want to start a fight again"
• "I told you this would happen"
• "I told you this would happen if you X"
• "I am so tired of your lies / constant lieing!"
• "Why wont you just tell me where X is?? I know you know where it is so just tell me!"
• "Ah god you're crying again - just stop the tears ok noone believes this little show of yours!"
• "Youre so stupid!! How can you still not get this???"
• "This house is already so digusting, just look around! So why does it matter if i make more of a mess?"
• "No wonder your dad used to hit you!!"
• "No wonder your father left - look how you act!!"
• "Have you ever wondered why we arent having sex?!"
• " Stop nagging me!"
• "Sweep?? Do i look like the maid?!"
• "What do you mean i dont help - who was it who fixed your moms car last week / last month??"
• "What do you mean wheres the money?? You just have no idea what things cost!"
• "I never took / had / drew that much money - youre wrong!!"
• "What crap are you talking?!"
• "Why would i lie??"
• "You can never remember anything!"
• "Were not talking aabout the past here - were talking from here going forward."
• "Thats not what I said"
• "Thats not how that happened"
• "You know you're wrong!"
• "You know what I'm saying is true!"
• "Just because I'm dating a slut doesnt mean I want my daughter to be one.."
• "People like us just dont care about X / dont do X / always lie about X"
• "Youre just like me - we will both do anything in that moment just to win the fight!"
• "Yes youre paying for everything, but what about all those years when you were lieing on my neck and I was paying for everything??"
• "Call the hotel if you dont believe me - i booked a double room because I was planning on calling you to come join me, but then I thought about how fucked up you were and I decided against it"
• "I called all those prostitutes to get prices for if we ever wanted to book one again, but youre soooo boring lately that will probably never happen again!"
• "Everyone warned me against you when we got together"
• "Everyone warned me this would happen"
• "Youve been planning this all along, well done!!"
• "Youve just been using me!!"
• "You never loved me"
• "I'm not blaming you - I blame myself for listening to you."
• "Youre right, / you were right / XXX"
• "Were not talking about me now - were talking about you!"

As you continue to read on in my blog and watch my video channel on youtube, you will learn more about this term "gaslighting" and hopefully you will be able to get a clearer idea and understanding of what it is and what its purposes are. 

Basically, in a nutshell, it is phrases and techniques employed by Narcissists, Psycopaths, Sociopaths and all other "Type B" cluster personality disorders in an attempt to control and manipulate you by making you doubt yourself, making you seem crazy to yourself and others, making you doubt your own reality / perception / memory so that it is easier for them to feed you lies, to make you more manageable and gullible to their stories, to discredit you among the people around you, to put you on the backfoot and keep you there, and to incite a certain level of fear inside you when it comes to arguing ith them or voicing your own contradictory opinions. 

There are, in fact, many many many more reasons for doing this, and ways in which they achieve it, and i will be getting to as many of them as i possibly can, now and in the future - so keep reading and following ok!!

So thats all for me today, as always if you like what youve read here today (or even if you didnt!!) click on the follow button here below to subscribe to my blog so that you never miss a future post, and then drop me a comment to tell me what you thought of the post, or with any comments or questions you may have for me! Also please dont forget to follow the YouTube link to my You Tubechannel - RoxyOnline, where I have, am and will keep posting fun and exciting videos about this same topic, and on many other interesting and even downright provocative ones aswell - so dont miss out!!!

Be safe my lovelies,

Mwa***

How do i know that i might be dating a narcissist?..

So, technically you aren't supposed to try to "self analyse" anyone - yourself or anyone else - as that is meant to be a job left to the "professionals". But, sadly, getting someone diagnosed by a "professional" is not always possible due to the condition that you want diagnosed in the first place! One kind of person with whom this rings particularly true, is a narcissist. It doesn't matter what kind of narcissist you may be dealing with, and there are many, as there are still core features and traits which connect them all, and it is because of those features and traits that getting them a "proper" diagnosis is almost impossible. 

You see, the nature of Narcissism is the inner belief of :

"I'm perfect. There's nothing wrong with me, and you will never prove otherwise.".

 It is only once you can really let that soak in in its entirety, and fully understand and comprehend what that means and what it does to that persons psyche, that you will come to understand and accept what i said in the beginning to be true. It is this self perceived "perfection" that is the root of all their 'evil'*, which i will get to in more detail later in another post.

*Please note that this 'evil" i address is not to mean that they themselves are in any way evil, to the contrary most of them are actually very nice and charming people, which is exactly why we fell for them in the first place isn't it?! No, the evil that i address is very specifically targeted towards the Narcissist inside them, and all of the 'evil', mean, hurtful things that it makes them do. Honestly you can call it whatever you want if you aren't comfortable with that term, but i chose to use the word evil because it rings so true so much of the time, and it also helps me to distance myself from this person and to remind myself of the reason i left.

So then, if you think your partner may be a narcissist, but you're not sure, and you cant take them in to a professional to be sure.. what can you do?? Do you just continue to live in this crazy mist, always thinking there might be something wrong with one of you but you're no longer sure which one? NO!! You do what we've all done and you get sure!! And the most sure fire way to get sure is to get smart. You have got to read up on this topic and study it like you've never studied anything before in your life. You've gotta read blogs like this one, you've gotta read articles and posts and forums and comments, you've gotta watch videos about it, etc.

It is also extremely helpful and empowering to start a journal. Write down everything that 'just doesn't seem right' - write the dates, the times, the exact things they said, or how they reacted to things you said. Write down when they come, when they go, where they say they are, what times you phoned them and their phones were off, exactly how much money they had on them when they left the house, how much they drew, how much they swiped for, and how much they came home with, Write down what they say say spent money on and how much, who they said they were with, and what they said they were doing. The reason for this is that if you are dealing with a narcissist, and i hope to god you're not! But if you are, then you will still be stuck living in what i love to call "The Crazy Mist"! 

And only those of you who are in it will ever know what i am talking about. Its that mist that makes you think that something in your relationship inst 'quite right'. Its that mist that drove you to start looking around and wondering why other people weren't as deeply and constantly as you were. Its that mist that drove you to find this blog and other like it in the first place. Its what they have spent years cultivating and the reason why they've been getting away with their shenanigans for so long. Its what makes you forgetful, subservient, scared, confused, anxious and unsure of yourself in normal, every day situations. And it's exactly why keeping a journal and documenting absolutely everything that they say and do, and how you feel about it, can be such a powerful tool - so that the next time you are in an argument with this person, instead of having to rely on your own shaky memory, you will have all the facts in front of you, enabling you to be sure of yourself, and handle yourself, and the situation better! But it is also extremely important that the suspected narc never finds out about your extra curricular research or journaling, as this will trigger their deep seeded paranoia, and is very likely to throw them into a mother of a rage against you, so just be careful ok?..

Ok, so back to the topic at hand - you are thinking that you might have a narcissist on your hands, but youre still new to this, and as such, you have no real idea of how to tell and be sure. So before you launch into your many pronged research quest, first read these few points below and see if any or all of them match up..

1) So, I think pretty much the number one sign that you might be dealing with, or dating a narcissist (any type), is that you're confused a lot. You feel confused after a fight, when you try to go back and remember how it started, what was said, and exactly what happened to make it escalate so quickly and dramatically. You're confused about why you feel so anxious all the time around this person. Your'e confused and on edge because you never really know exactly what will set them off next. Basically confusion just becomes your general state of being. If that sounds about right, then keep reading, if not, then this might not be the problem in your relationship, but just keep reading anyway because some of the stuff might still apply! 

2) The second thing, that kind of ties in with the first thing, is that you just feel anxious ALL THE TIME!!! They have got you trained to expect a possible negative reaction from any small thing that might set them off one day, but not the next, and this is no accident either. Just like point 1, they have spent years getting you to this point of constant fear and angst, and will be dammed if they will let a good thing go to waste!!

3) You are unsure of yourself, meaning that you no longer trust yourself or your own judgement. For me, that even extended to mundane decisions that i had made every day of my life prior to meeting this person with no trouble at all. Then all of a sudden I find myself standing in the middle of the aisle at Checkers just staring at the different fabric softeners, and having no idea which one i normally buy. I knew that i couldn't get the most expensive one, because then I'd be accused of "needlessly wasting money again', and if I accidentally buy one of the hundreds that my moms allergic to then I'l never hear the end of it from her (but that's a different story!), etc etc.. 

4) You notice a constant and extremely one sided theme of double standards in your relationship with this person, and all seemingly somehow tilted extremely in their favor!! For instance:  

> I am allowed to go out without telling you where i am, who i'm with or what i'm doing, but you cant!

> I am allowed to spend vast amounts of money on whatever i want (no matter how tight the budget is, or whose money it even is!), but you cant!

> I can do or say what i want, to any person i want, about any topic i want to discuss with them, but I don't like you talking to other people, especially not about us!

> I don't have to cook or clean or help you in any way around the house (even though you work and I don't), but I expect the house to always be clean, groceries to always be bought, and dinner to always be delicious and on time!

 This goes hand in hand with their inflated ego and self-worth, which is almost always laughably unjustified, and can be quite hard to spot and to understand. That  is why, if you, at any time, try (foolishly) to address these issues, and bring to their attention the matter of the double standards in place, it will set them off in a narcissistic rage like you have never seen before!!

and 5) They simply do not care about you, your hobbies and interests, your dreams and goals, your feelings, or even the things that you want to talk about and what you have to say. This one is a particularly hard pill to swallow, and can be very damaging to you, your self worth, and your self esteem. This one often takes a while to come into play - after the love bombing stage has passed, and well into the devaluing stage (don't worry guys, I'll be addressing these different stages in future posts, so keep reading!!). Although, to someone in, or close to the relationship (if there is anyone left who is still allowed to be close to the relationship), it is normally not that hard to spot, for example:

> They only talk about themselves, their experiences, and their own hobbies or interests, etc., and can do so with great excitement and passion. Should you then, however, try to add some input into the conversation by voicing your opinions etc, you will either be steamrolled or simply just ignored.

> Whenever you try to discuss a topic that spark your interest instead of theirs, or if you try to share with them an experience from your day, or even just a funny anecdote that you heard recently; you will be met with severe disinterest and often even exaggerated and exasperated eye-rolling!

> Any time you express genuine emotions they will often become, either extremely uncomfortable, or extremely enraged.

There are obviously many more points i can list, and very very many examples of each, but I think that should be enough for now to compare to your suspected narcissist, which should give you a basic idea of whether or not you are on the right track! 

*At this stage it is also important to note that just because someone matches each of these descriptions, does not necessarily make them a bonafide narcissist - many of the narcissistic traits are actually shared between many of the Cluster B Personality Disorder Types. And also, someone can display absolutely none of these items and still be a narcissist. I know that this little curve ball is probably quite severely frustrating, and can even make this whole thing seem pointless, but don't let it get you down! Just stick at it and keep reading and learning as you are doing, and you will soon start to get a better idea of why I say this!

Lastly, if you like my topic and my writing style, please hit the like and subscribe buttons here below so that you never miss out on a future post! Also go check out my YouTube channel at XXX.com

Thanks for reading guys, hopefully i'll see you at my next post!! xxx

 

 

 

Intro into Narcissism (as according to me!)

 The biggest problem to do with Narcissism, in my opinion, is how very little we know, and is known about it in general. Most people foolishly think, as i foolishly thought, that calling someone a narcissist was just a fancy way of saying that they're an asshole!! Which it is, don't get me wrong!! But there is just so much more to it than that, and that "much more", is what I'm going to attempt to teach you guys about..

The other MAJOR problem with narcissists and narcissistic abuse, is that its very hard to spot; especially if you have no idea what it is, or if you have never been through it before.

As a narc survivor (thats what we call narcissists when we talk about them alot!), I can now honestly say that it was, without a doubt, the worst, and darkest, time in my life. The problem was, though, that during that time - those ten years, i had no idea what was going on. I had no idea that I was in a 'TOXIC' relationship, or that I was dating a narcissist, or that I was actually even being abused at all - it's THAT powerful!!

The specific Modus Operandi (MO) that they / narcissists follow, and they ALL follow it, is so specifically and BRILLIANTLY designed to go undetected; sometimes even for years or decades at a time. It has a very set guideline to it aswell, which i will get to in a later post, and if you, or someone you may know, is or has fallen for it at any point in your life/lives, then dont feel bad. Dont be ashamed. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT!! 

It is not your fault that you didnt know, or somehow assume, that this amazing , beautiful, confident person that you met and fell inlove with, was never real to begin with. They were NEVER that person. They NEVER cared about you. They NEVER loved you. Nothing they EVER said was real. They were just USING you. and they will NOT miss you when youre gone!!! These things are hard to hear, theyre harder to admit, and hardest to accept. But YOU HAVE TO!! 

You have got to hear these things, and come to accept these things as your new and aweful truth. Because the sooner you do, the sooner you will come to learn who and what they really are, and that that kind of hollow shell of a person is not someone that you can build a life with. They are not someone who you can "save" if you love them enough. They can NEVER be saved, and they will NEVER change; and why, you may ask? Because they 

• A) Don't think they need to
• B) Don't know or wont believe that theres actually anything wrong with them
• C) What they're doing is working for them, just as it has been their entire life, and 
• D) THEY ARE PERFECT THE WAY THEY ARE (atleast in their own minds!)

And, sadly, it is because of this self perceived "perfection" they see inside themselves, that they *will NEVER  A) admit they have a problem or personality disorder, and

                         B) actively seek help or treatment for it.

This is why it is so sad to see, deal with, and eventually walk away from these kinds of people, especially for those (tragic souls) of us who feel drawn to the broken, and to those 'special projects' in need of being saved. 

*will almost never / in most cases

*real boys as a referance to pinochio and the difference between when 

he was a 'real boy' instead of the wood and strings puppet without 

any real feelings or emotions

We assume that they are *real boys, like the rest of us, and, that when confronted with proof that they are "different" or "lacking certain emotional skills or traits", they will look at the evidence, reflect on how it is perhaps different to them, accept this as proof that they have a problem, and immediately be open to doing seeking help and something about it.. but they they wont!!!

Instead, they will become suddenly and inexplicably enraged, go brusquely onto the offensive, and viciously start attacking you with everything inside their arsenal.

This is why it is so extremely crucial that, once you are aware and fully sure that someone you know, or are dealing with, is a narcissist, that you DO NOT CONFRONT THEM, DO NOT MENTION IT, LEAVE NO TRACE THAT YOU KNOW WHAT THEY ARE, AND SIMPLY JUST LEAVE!!!

So thats all for me today, as always if you like what youve read here today (or even if you didnt!!) click on the follow button here below to subscribe to my blog so that you never miss a future post, and then drop me a comment to tell me what you thought of the post, or with any comments or questions you may have for me! Also please dont forget to follow the YouTube link to my You Tubechannel - RoxyOnline, where I have, am and will keep posting fun and exciting videos about this same topic, and on many other interesting and even downright provocative ones aswell - so dont miss out!!!

Be safe my lovelies,

Mwa***

Post one.. the story of my sextape

 First post - here goes!..

So, as my bio says my name is Roxy, I'm 31 years old (Eeek right?!), and I live in South Africa. I grew up in the coastal town of Port Elizabeth, but have been living in Johannesburg for most of my adult life - so far! 

I have a wide array of things that i would like to use this blog to talk about, encompassing a variety of topics, including: my past, narcissists, relationships, narcissists, love, sex, money, narcissists, gardening, friendships, work, narcissists, organizing your world, mortality, seizing opportunities, narcissists, social media, #trending, and lastly, narcissists! 

To those A-Types who noticed that one topic was mentioned slightly more than the others - Well Done! It was intentional, and, if you become a regular reader of my blog, then you will soon figure out why!

So please, read on through my catalogue of life, love, past, misery, silliness, skewed world views and ridiculously selfish love advice!!

I welcome comments and questions with open arms to please feel free to push the comment button down here and drop me a line with whatever's on your mind.. except if its got to do with the government - noone knows whats going on there!! 

PS.. I was just kidding about the sextape thing by the way, but it got you reading this didn't it?!..

So thats all for me today, as always if you like what youve read here today (or even if you didnt!!) click on the follow button here below to subscribe to my blog so that you never miss a future post, and then drop me a comment to tell me what you thought of the post, or with any comments or questions you may have for me! Also please dont forget to follow the YouTube link to my You Tubechannel - RoxyOnline, where I have, am and will keep posting fun and exciting videos about this same topic, and on many other interesting and even downright provocative ones aswell - so dont miss out!!!

Be safe my lovelies,

Mwa***